Emergency Lights Give You Magical Powers

After moving to the real suburbs, I have discovered that the overuse of emergency lights is a plague on this nation.The automotive power they wield is unparalleled. A path will open in gridlock traffic like the Red Sea to Moses' staff, and I have come to the realization that some individuals abuse this privilege - this emergency privilege. *This statement was typed in a state of utter disgust*

Apparently, by turning on these vehicular lights, you can do anything that you would like - no matter how illegal it may be. Examples include:

Hey, only authorized vehicles can make a u-turn at this location. Let me just flip on my emergency lights - that way I become an authorized vehicle!

O, I have to walk a long distance in order to get into the grocery store. Looks like this is an emergency situation for my tired feet. I'll just turn on my emergency lights, and quadruple park in a handicapped zone!

I have been sitting at this red light for over fifty seconds. I have places to be - emergency lights!

I'm one hundred percent sure that any type of vehicular based crime can be pardoned if emergency lights are in use at the time the crime is committed. The possibilities literally become endless, from basic traffic violations all the way up to murder. Right now, I am imagining an individual on trial for murder pleading emergency lights . "Sorry judge, I was mad with power and blood lust from turning on my emergency lights. Next time, it probably won't happen."

Everything about emergency lights inspires ideas of wizardry and witchcraft. I mean, at the Salem witch trial, emergency lights totally would have been burned at the stake for the supernatural power they wield. Nothing can stop them. They are the invisibility cloke of the non-fiction based world, literally hiding any individual from law enforcement representatives.

I remember the days of driver's ed when I was frightened into utilizing these mysterious lights only for actual emergencies. I even get antsy when they are activated, and there is actually a situation that warrants it. My palms start sweating. I literally have to talk myself down. "You deserve to use them. It's your prerogative." I CANNOT HANDLE THE PRESSURE OF THE EMERGENCY LIGHTS. I just can't.

As I have a nervous breakdown in the face of such power and responsibility, others simply abuse this sacred rite. It must be stopped. Without the rules of the road, we are simply savages careening down a treacherous path - like the Lord of the Flies with autos. I refuse to give in to these lax road rules.

Therefore, I am starting a campaign for the reduced use of emergency lights in 2011. You can support this effort simply by putting individuals who use emergency lights inappropriately into emergency situations. I fully embrace high speed chases and the utilization of guns, and I hope to see this implemented in the near future.

Desperate times call for desperate measures.

Baby It's Cold Outside - An Exercise in Holiday Deviancy

Disclaimer: This post deals with an interpretation of a song that may be thought by some to be offensive. I in no way condone sexual harassment of any form. Remember, this is all in good fun, and if you think you may be offended based on the title, please do not read. Thanks, and please feel free to email me with any concerns.

*OFFENSIVENESS BEGINS NOW!!!! THERE IS NO TURNING BACK FROM THIS POINT!!! TYPING IN ALL CAPS IS FUN!!!*

After a mild reinterpretation of the classic holiday song Baby, It's Cold Outside, the theme of sexual deviancy presents itself multiple times throughout the seemingly joyful lyrics. 

Here are now the only lyrics you will hear whenever you listen to the HolidayLite with Delilah (just imagine her menacing laugh as she locks the door) . Sorry to ruin Christmas for everyone. The non-bolded lyrics are the original, and the bolded "lyrics" prove my point.


Keep this translation in mind the next time you are snuggling up next to that fine gentlemen or lady friend underneath the mistletoe.

I really can't stay - Baby it's cold outside

                                *Lock sliding into place*

I've got to go away - Baby it's cold outside

                               *Menacing laugh* 

This evening has been - Been hoping that you'd drop in

                                I’ve been waiting for you to make the fatal error of dropping in

So very nice - I'll hold your hands, they're cold as ice

Wait, what did he just say?   -  Give me your hand. Never let go

My mother will start to worry - Beautiful, what's your hurry

I should remind him I have family to humanize myself - You’ll never leave now

My father will be pacing the floor - Listen to the fireplace roar

My father is a cop  -  I’m becoming more animalistic as we speak, relying more heavily on my sense of sound

So really I'd better scurry - Beautiful, please don't hurry

Well maybe just one drink more - Put some records on while I pour

I guess if you can’t bet ‘em, join ‘em? - I think some music will put her in the mood

The neighbors might think - Baby, it's bad out there

If I scream, the neighbors could hear me, right?

Say, what's in this drink - No cabs to be had out there

Well, I’m pretty sure there are roofies in this drink – No, it’s snowing too hard for                                                the neighbors to hear you

I wish I knew how - Your eyes are like starlight now

                                     I can see by that glazed over look that the drugs are taking effect

To break this spell - I'll take your hat, your hair looks swell

By this, I mean I wish I knew how to break the lock that you have placed on the door and also the roofie spell that I'm currently falling under

I ought to say no, no, no, sir - Mind if I move a little closer

O wait, I have been. That’s right. I have been politely saying no this entire song – Now is the time to make my move

At least I'm gonna say that I tried - What's the sense in hurting my pride

In a court of law – What’s the sense in hurting my pride

I really can't stay - Baby don't hold out

                                    Your resistance is futile at this point

Baby it's cold outside


For a fun holiday twist on this song, please follow this link.

And there you have it ladies and gentlemen. My case has been proven. Enjoy the holidays without sexual harassment but rather a true sense of non-denominational holiday cheer and spirit! (CONSISTENTLY REMEMBERING THAT NO MEANS NO.)


Update: Most holiday songs do not have underlying sexual deviancy themes or at least they have one's that I have yet to investigate.

Battle of the Blade

In a constant battle with personal hygiene that we all face everyday, I have met my match. Shaving for some reason has become my vice. I don't enjoy doing it. I never have, and I never will.  I think this is because of the process that it entails. You have to wash your face. You have to shave your face. You have to moisturize your face. I'm getting exasperated just thinking about it. Sometimes I wish I could just stop in the middle of the endeavor, but alas, I would most likely be left with a Hitler 'stash and accosted for being a member of his youth brigade. I imagine that ladies have the same issues with shaving their legs without the Nazi associations of course.

Therefore, I have included a list of professions that would require me to never shave again and the reasons why they would never work:

Lumberjack

I think this career path would involve a woodland lifestyle that does not become my current plans. In other words, how many argyle sweaters can I bring to the woods before it's too many?

Paper towel endorsement model

Unfortunately, I'm not muscular enough to carry the Brawny name on my shoulders. This is especially detrimental to them because of my chiseled jaw and George Clooney good looks.

Hermit

Although this career path would leave me plenty of time to blog, I just don't think it would be as good without my awkward social interactions. My best friend rock and friction though would get a lot of blog time.

Anyone in the 1970's

Sorry guys, we are officially in the Willenium. Will Smith is now god, and Wild Wild West is my Bible.

Anyone in the current porn industry

Gross.

Cartoon villian - facial hair would have to be more stylized than unshaven

Who am I kidding? Being a cartoon villian would be pretty sweet. Although I would be constantly bumbling in comparison to my heroic counterpart.

Criminal/Convict

I'm far too dainty to maintain myself in a jail house setting. Unless it was some form of musical version like Jail House Rock, but then again, those guys all looked pretty put together.

Fugitive

Harrison Ford, anyone? I imagine that being a fugitive would be like participating in the game show the Mole. I would slowly be driven insane by the fear that everyone is out to get me, and I guess they kind of would be. Yikes.

Unibomber

Sorry, already been there and done that.

Messiah

The second coming is upon us. I think I'm more of a soapbox all-star than a Messiah though.

Documentary film maker

I think that besides unkempt facial hair this career also requires you to be obese and to be hated by all people.

Cast away

I would miss my blog and my raving fans in Croatia, Canada, and South Africa too much. Also, I am not going to follow in Tom Hanks' footsteps especially after his creepy likenesses in the Polar Express.

Survivor contestant


I'm not crafty or useful enough to actually make it to the point wear I would grow obscene amounts of facial hair.

Pedophile


Not really a profession, more of a hobby. Yet again, gross.


*In looking up more professions where you never have to shave the most popular google search is profession where you might be bitten by a dog.* - This search was fruitless. FYI.

But in case you were wondering the following careers may involve a series of dog bites.

And the top four responses in a survey of one hundred people are

Family Feud Top Four Answers

1. MAIL MAN
2. VET
3. DOG CATCHER
4. POLICE OFFICER

It looks like I will have to fight another day with my razor until one of us loses the epic battle of skin vs. blade. Damn you personal hygiene! You win again!