Blog Inappropriate?

So, I have realized that an unsightly number of people in my life read my blog. Therefore, I have began to censor myself somewhat needlessly. That ends here with the following tale of scandalous sexuality and delightful "this could only happen to me" awkwardness.

The story begins on October 30th, 2009. It was unusually warm October. I remember because I was debating on whether to even wear shorts underneath my Robin Hood frock or to just go for tights alone. After the realization that if I even raised my arms the slightest bit I would be fully exposed to the general public, I wore the shorts.

To give a general picture of my costume, I wore a jaunty hat (that always seemed to fall to the side of my head in a playful, fun way that made me super approachable), a green frock with black plastic detailing on the sleeves and bottom, black basketball shorts, bright green (and mostly transparent) tights, and tie up leg warmers with similar detailing as the frock. My costume also included a rapier that I used to both stab unsuspecting passersby and take beer shots out of its base.

Actual conversation I had with someone that night:

Me: "Are you sad? You look kinda sad."
Girl: "No, I'm fine."
Me: "Are you sure? Because if you were sad, you could take shots out of the base of my sword with me."
Girl: "I am sad. Please let me see your sword." (JUST REALIZED THE DOUBLE ENTENDRE!!!)

Anyhow, these details are just adding to the imagery of the evening. You know I'm quite the story weaver.

So, that night is when I ran into a once potential hookup with whom nothing had come to fruition. I saw him at the party I was attending, walked up, and said, " You look like someone I know, but he moved to California. So, it couldn't be you."

His response: "Marty, you are an idiot. It is me."

We had a small discussion about his current boyfriend (who he was visiting) that was completely irrelevant to my life. Therefore, I zoned out the majority of the conversation and entertained myself by speaking in a British accent and swordplay.

End scene. (Not really end of the scene. Other events of that night include crashing a party with a pumpkin I had just met and losing my cellular device in a random's car.) However, move on to the next night, October 31st, 2009.

I am without cell phone, still hungover from the previous evening. I had lost the basin aspect of my sword, which would mean no more glamorous and attention/popularity gaining beer shots.Also, a cold front had moved in. I should have known my night would go awry by these foreshadowing components.

My friend Amy ventures to my apartment dressed as Robin from Batman and Robin. We were actually an unexpected couples costume that most people did not begin to understand. I was Robin Hood, and she was Robin, which effectively made us Robin and Robin. Great Couples costume or the greatest?

As we begin the festivities for the evening, I receive a facebook chat from the gentleman of the previous evening. He shall be referred to as Lifeguard for the remainder of the story (These names have been chosen based on costume. This is just a precaution for when my blog blows up even more, and I get that book deal. Nbd.) He chatted me wanting to know my whereabouts and plans for this fine All Hallow's Eve. He told me that his boyfriend had taken ill, and therefore, he was without plans for the night. I invited him out. LITTLE DID I KNOW. LITTLE DID I KNOW.

Fast forward to the bar. We run into a past hook up of mine Uncle Sam, who apparently had been hitting on the Lifeguard basically in front his boyfriend the entire night. The lifeguard's only request was that I keep them separated for the majority of the evening. Now, believe me when I say that the minute this request was made the Lifeguard immediately began flirtatious behavior with Uncle Sam.

Brown out starts now.

Open on me in a car with Uncle Sam, the Lifeguard, and three other gentlemen who shall remain nameless at the moment. I at this point in my college career had begun yelling the word "afterhours" at the end of every bar night. This would result in many a random entering my apartment and partaking in the festivities. This was the cast of the afterhours for this evening: two thirty year old gay men (one of whom is my friend), the driver of the vehicle, US, and LG (abbreviated for ease).

In a twist of fate, the car broke down at a busy intersection on campus. I jaunted away from the vehicle yelling something about having to meet my friend Amy. Only two of the five men followed me: Uncle Sam and the Lifeguard. Now, at this point, I begin to realize that something may be happening between these two. My drunken haze had distracted me from the obvious flirtation between them, but it was coming to the forefront more and more. Enter Amy who had come to gather her belongings. All she told me is that I was mouthing the words "Help me" to her as she left.

The flirting hit its peak when the Lifeguard asked if he could use my shower. Not thinking about the consequences of someone entering the shower, I obliged.

What's the worst that could happen? Just think about your answer to this question...

Okay. So, you have probably deduced that Uncle Sam moments asked me if it was okay for him to get into the shower as well.

US: "So, would you mind if I got into the shower too?
Me: "Wait...WHAT?"
US: "I'm going to get into the shower."
Me: "What. Is. Happening?"

I was literally just standing in the bathroom staring at the motions behind the shower curtain. I could not look away. It was like a really graphic accident or a terrible pornography. O wait, THIS IS JUST MY LIFE.

The Lifeguard kept yelling for me to get into the shower despite protests from Uncle Sam. At first I resisted, but then I realized what I needed to do.

After some drunk reasoning as follows:

1) The Lifeguard wants me in the shower
2) Uncle Sam does not want me in the shower
3) I do not want to be in the shower
4) Due to these two volatile reactions to me being in the shower, if I enter the shower this situation will diffuse itself.
5) I am sloppy enough to think that #4 actually makes sense.

I crossed the threshold and entered the no man's land (which ironically was filled with men) of the shower. My only weapon being insane amounts of awkwardness. Luckily, it was the only thing I needed. Within one minute, the situation had been resolved. Uncle Sam left immediately afterward, and the Lifeguard and I were left on our own for me to awkwardly remind him of his boyfriend. Did you forget that he had a boyfriend? BECAUSE I SURE DIDN'T.

Inebriated Marty - 1
America - 0

Well, doesn't that seem like a tidy little ending. It gets so much worse...

To be continued...