Baby It's Cold Outside - An Exercise in Holiday Deviancy

Disclaimer: This post deals with an interpretation of a song that may be thought by some to be offensive. I in no way condone sexual harassment of any form. Remember, this is all in good fun, and if you think you may be offended based on the title, please do not read. Thanks, and please feel free to email me with any concerns.

*OFFENSIVENESS BEGINS NOW!!!! THERE IS NO TURNING BACK FROM THIS POINT!!! TYPING IN ALL CAPS IS FUN!!!*

After a mild reinterpretation of the classic holiday song Baby, It's Cold Outside, the theme of sexual deviancy presents itself multiple times throughout the seemingly joyful lyrics. 

Here are now the only lyrics you will hear whenever you listen to the HolidayLite with Delilah (just imagine her menacing laugh as she locks the door) . Sorry to ruin Christmas for everyone. The non-bolded lyrics are the original, and the bolded "lyrics" prove my point.


Keep this translation in mind the next time you are snuggling up next to that fine gentlemen or lady friend underneath the mistletoe.

I really can't stay - Baby it's cold outside

                                *Lock sliding into place*

I've got to go away - Baby it's cold outside

                               *Menacing laugh* 

This evening has been - Been hoping that you'd drop in

                                I’ve been waiting for you to make the fatal error of dropping in

So very nice - I'll hold your hands, they're cold as ice

Wait, what did he just say?   -  Give me your hand. Never let go

My mother will start to worry - Beautiful, what's your hurry

I should remind him I have family to humanize myself - You’ll never leave now

My father will be pacing the floor - Listen to the fireplace roar

My father is a cop  -  I’m becoming more animalistic as we speak, relying more heavily on my sense of sound

So really I'd better scurry - Beautiful, please don't hurry

Well maybe just one drink more - Put some records on while I pour

I guess if you can’t bet ‘em, join ‘em? - I think some music will put her in the mood

The neighbors might think - Baby, it's bad out there

If I scream, the neighbors could hear me, right?

Say, what's in this drink - No cabs to be had out there

Well, I’m pretty sure there are roofies in this drink – No, it’s snowing too hard for                                                the neighbors to hear you

I wish I knew how - Your eyes are like starlight now

                                     I can see by that glazed over look that the drugs are taking effect

To break this spell - I'll take your hat, your hair looks swell

By this, I mean I wish I knew how to break the lock that you have placed on the door and also the roofie spell that I'm currently falling under

I ought to say no, no, no, sir - Mind if I move a little closer

O wait, I have been. That’s right. I have been politely saying no this entire song – Now is the time to make my move

At least I'm gonna say that I tried - What's the sense in hurting my pride

In a court of law – What’s the sense in hurting my pride

I really can't stay - Baby don't hold out

                                    Your resistance is futile at this point

Baby it's cold outside


For a fun holiday twist on this song, please follow this link.

And there you have it ladies and gentlemen. My case has been proven. Enjoy the holidays without sexual harassment but rather a true sense of non-denominational holiday cheer and spirit! (CONSISTENTLY REMEMBERING THAT NO MEANS NO.)


Update: Most holiday songs do not have underlying sexual deviancy themes or at least they have one's that I have yet to investigate.