Update on "Yes, Ma'am" - Danielle, please stop calling my workplace to hear me answer the phone. Thanks.
Nothing, not one thing, is as destructive and useless as ice. Sure, I'm a huge fan when it is maintaining my beverage at a luke warm to cool temperature during the summer.But then something happens. We stop creating ice for our own amusement and pleasure, and IT STARTS FORMING ITSELF. Much like the playful dog that gains an unsightly case of rabies - Cujo anyone - ice turns from a playful friend into a slobbering monster providing only pain and misery (Fun fact: both Cujo and Misery are novels by Stephen King - the R.L. Stein of adult horror).
You never realize how much you love something until it is gone. This is very much the case with friction, which ice slowly steals away with Jack Frost's iron fist (if Jack Frost did have an iron fist, it would be incredibly cold and most likely covered in cartoon icicles). I love friction. I mean, we've had our bad times, like in the sixth grade when I jumped off my friend's pegs and scraped my knee, but we are still cool. And I think that was mostly inertia's fault. Inertia was the main bully in the scenario, and friction was merely afraid, following in suit to protect himself.
Being a nerd, I have looked up the equation for the force of friction:
F = μN
Sure, this equation is all FUN (That is a pun, ladies and gentlemen) and games during the warmer months. But during the winter months when that force gets closer to zero, I feel the equation looks more like this:
F = μcK μ
And it is this second equation that makes me want to stab Jack Frost with one of the cartoon icicles clinging to his iron fist.
I mean, I don't make the situation better for myself - at any length. I wear traction-less shoes throughout all of the winter months. But that is because they look better and make me appear more stylish. I have very few things in this world, and I will not let ice steal my sense of fashion. This is one victory I will claim over the demon ice god, and don't you forget it.
This extreme aversion to ice has led me to find extreme methods to protect myself from possible slips and slides. Two of my friends recently gave me the idea to carry around salt and to sprinkle it wherever I may go, much like in the cinema Hocus Pocus. Although I do enjoy the fact that this would make me feel like a fairy creature, I don't know how practical it is to carry around salt - expect on Halloween of course when it is a necessity to keep Bette Midler and Sarah Jessica Parker away from you. I may have also developed this aversion to Ice because of the character Ice in that film?
I would absolutely love if a circle of salt worked against ice like it did against evil witches. For instance, if I were to encircle my auto with salt, perhaps the driver's side door would not freeze, or I wouldn't get stuck in an ice pocket. In my dream world, this would be a fact, but then again, in my dream world, friction would be a tangible form so that we could be best friends. We would grow old together, and at our twentieth high school reunion we would laugh and laugh at the obese monstrosity that ice had become.
To dream a dream.
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